Dirty Jokes

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks! Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler! Q: Why couldn't they get the dead mans casket lid shut? A: Because he overdosed on viagra! Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? A: Because his wife died! Q: Why did the snowman smile? A: Because the snowblower is coming. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face! Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it." Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock! Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? A: Kermit the frogs finger Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his s****r in the jaw. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a d**g dealer? Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...? A: "Is it in?" Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. Q: Why don't black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog! Q: What do you call an afghan virgin A: Mever bin laid on Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. Q: What is the difference between an i*****l immigrant and E.T.? A: E.T. eventually went home! Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopis Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having c***dren. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating c***dren. Q: What did One gay sperm say to another? A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit? Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off? Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six b*****rs? A: A virgin. Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch. Q: What do you call ball's on your chin? A: A dick in your mouth! Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a s****r." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? A: They both suck for four quarters. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off Q:Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A:The grass tickles their balls Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? A: Her navel. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back! Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens! Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie. Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians? A: Hairballs. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Q: What do you call a bunny with a bent dick? A: FUCKS FUNNY Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A: A Southern zoo has a description of the a****l on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p? A: ........... a shit (think about it) Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common? A: They both only change their pads after every third period! Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower? A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.. Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? A: The back of my hand. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? A: The PGA tour. Q: What is a vagina? A: The box a penis comes in. Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes. Q: How many Emo k**s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry. Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture. Q: How do you kill a retard? A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?" Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? A: They both don't work and always take your money. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral? A: There are only two handles on a garbage can. Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? A: Trust me. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100? A: Pull some strings. Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's? A: Because he has holes in his hands. Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on? A: Because they can't stand up for themselves Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done... Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side? A: You would be all right. Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness? A: A bucking horse. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide? A: He got the gas bill. Q: What is a crack head's favorite song? A: I wanna rock! Q: How do you get retards out of a tree? A: Wave to them! Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars? A: Anything you want. Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn't have any arms. Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men? A: Because as k**s white men had toys to play with! Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony? A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads. Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? A: About three inches. Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano? A: Crabs on your organ. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road? A: Forget about it. Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies. Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on. Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A: A genealogist looks up your f****y tree. A gynecologist looks up your f****y bush. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice." Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door? A: A nun with a spear through her head. Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly? A: So they don’t poke her eye out. Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it, we’re closed. Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass? A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks. Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen? A: A submarine Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff? A: A Crane! Q: What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire? A: Cocksucker! Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking. Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes? A: I cry when I cut up onions... Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A: A trip without the k**s! Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? A: Nacho Cheese. Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes? A: Love doesn’t last forever. Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? A: The wheelchair! Q: Whats black and eats pussy? A: Cervical cancer! Q: Who was the best Jewish cook? A: Hitler! Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? A: AIDS! Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas? A: He can't find the zipper! Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy? A: The other guys waiting their turn! Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It’s not hard. Q: How do you know if you have an overbite? A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit! Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work? A: IHOP! Q: When is an Elf not an Elf? A: When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? A: Their last big hit was "The Wall" Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom? A: Society! Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra? A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month! Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? A: Because they have cotton balls. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A: A cherry float. Q: What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? A: Vomit Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer? A: A fuckin know-it-all! Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson? A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum." Q: What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator? A: Two flies in a bottle. Q: What's the job application to Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out. Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading? A: Telling your parents that you are gay. Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of their dogs! Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period? A: She could taste the bl**d on her son’s dick! Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits? A: Puppets. Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? A: He could read lips! Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts. Q: Why do African Americans only have nightmares? A: Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream! Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus. Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spit, swallow, and gargle, Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames? A: A Fire Cracker! Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work. Q: Whats the difference between light and hard? A: You can go to sl**p with a light on! Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head! Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra? A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman? A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby. Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: A liar. Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? A: You can drop them off anywhere. Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: "I'll see you next month." Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election. Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics A: Not being a retard. Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back. Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time? A: Gang ****. Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people? A: Twinkie. Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches. Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying. Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nusing home. Q: What is the square root of 69? A: Ate something Q: But do you know what 6.9 is? A: A good thing screwed up by a period. Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up. Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common? A: The more you play with it the harder it gets. Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count? A: You have to chew before you swallow! Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest c***dren? A: Ask your mother! Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? A. They can smell it but they cant eat it! Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q: Why did god invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too. Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12 Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit? A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts! Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blond electrician. Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet. Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat! Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !" Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off? A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock! Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow? A: So you know if you're cumming or going Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling? A: Shoot him in the face! Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken... Q: Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster? A: She was s**ttered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced. Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus! A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat bl**d banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN! If you f***e sex on a prostitute, is it **** or shoplifting? you choose. Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water? A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed. Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name? A: Papa Boner Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not fucking blue.